


and my heart is a monster of sorts

by majesdane



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-18
Updated: 2012-06-18
Packaged: 2017-11-08 01:47:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/437772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>When Maya kisses her, Emily thinks of Ali.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	and my heart is a monster of sorts

When Maya kisses her, Emily thinks of Ali.  
  
They're not the same, Ali and Maya, at least not completely. There is a kind of strength to them, yes, a fearlessness that Emily knows she will never have herself. Bravado, almost, maybe. Confidence. They are what Emily is not, and in that way, they are similar.  
  
But Maya doesn't meet Emily's eyes in the mirror, winking, the corners of her mouth turning up into a slow grin. Her hair isn't golden, her eyes don't sparkle like sunlight reflecting off a lake. But she is softer than Ali was. Gentler. And she tastes of banana gum when they kiss, not cheap vodka and chocolate. Her hair smells like cinnamon instead of freshly cut grass and lilacs.  
  
Their difference are too striking for Emily not to notice.  


 

\--  


  
When Maya presses Emily to the bed with a kiss, their hands meeting, fingers entwining, Emily can't help but wonder what this would be like if it were Ali instead. Ali, trailing kisses along her jawline, the arch of her neck. If it were Ali's hair she was running her fingers through at this very moment, pulling her in closer, gasping softly as a knee slipped between her thighs, pressing up.   
  
Hey, Maya says, sitting up a little, her eyes searching Emily's fair, expression unreadable. Are you okay?   
  
Yeah, Emily says, and brings their mouths back together once more.   
  
For now, she thinks, trying to ignore the way her heart twists into traitorous knots.   
  


\--

  
It wasn't if she hadn't known from the start, that Ali didn't reciprocate her feelings.   
  
But it was easy to imagine she did, secretly, maybe so deep within her that she hadn't even realized it yet. Easier still, to hope and imagine that one day Ali would see that what she'd always wanted had been right there in front of her the whole time. Shy Emily, towering over the other girls, her hair always smelling of a hint of chlorine. Maybe one day Ali would come to her senses and see that the kiss they shared had always been more than just one small stolen moment.   
  
(A moment that Emily stole. Or maybe Ali just let her take it.)   
  
Ali never said anything about it. But then again, it had never been about what Ali said. Emily didn't believe in words, anyway; it was our actions that never lied. And Ali's actions told a story: the way she held our her wrist for Emily to tie on their friendship bracelet, the way Ali shot her a look across their crowded English classroom, the way she pushed back into the kiss. It had only been for a second, but it had been real.   
  
If only Ali hadn't --   
  
Emily doesn't let herself think beyond that point.   
  


\--

  
You're gorgeous, Maya tells her with a smile, twirling a strand of Emily's hair between two fingers, sounding drowsy from the bottle of whiskey they'd shared earlier, before passing a joint back and forth. Everything came so easily to her, when she was around Maya. She forgot about everything else: her family, swimming. Her secrets.   
  
(Almost like Ali, but not quite.)   
  
I kind of love you, Emily says, and is pretty sure she means it.   
  


\--

  
I did love you, she says to Ali later, standing in her backyard and staring up at a sky full of stars.  
  
It's the only thing she knows for certain.


End file.
